The goal of this website is to help people with their marriages. I hope that I have communicated that throughout the site. So today, I want to say a few things about fear of intimacy. Since the fear of intimacy can be a major issue in people’s marriages, it is important to deal with this issue sooner than later, because not only are you robbing yourself and your spouse of a great relationship, it may someday totally break you apart.
Fear of intimacy is often based upon a painful or traumatic experience from our past. Regardless of the reason, the fear is real and you can overcome it. While we all wish we grew up in great homes with parents who loved each other, the idea is a bit unrealistic. Most people had at least some degree of dysfunction in their families as they grew up. There may also be some other issue more severe such as abuse that can trigger fear of intimacy. Regardless of the trauma we had as children, facing those fears is going to be tough without a significant amount of trust in your spouse, and a significant amount of time to work through it. If you want your marriage to work, you must be very patient on this one.
Another possibility is the image we have of your own body. Since we live with our body 24 hours a day, seven days a week, we tend of find all the imperfections that we have. Then we think that our spouse can see all the same imperfections. If you have ever made anything that took any length of time, like a craft project, a video production, or a wood working project, you can recognize that at the end of the project all you see are the mistakes that you made. I find that when I show my finished product to my wife, that she only sees the big picture of the project and she really can’t see all the mistakes that I can see. This is the mindset we should be in when it comes to our own bodies. We may know of all the problems, but in general, our spouse will just see the big picture and ignore the details. If this is a problem for you, then try keeping all the lights off during intimacy. Again, this is going to be a trust issue.
Why do I need to deal with this now? For one thing, when we have fear of intimacy, we tend to be more lonely and disconnected. Since there amount of experimentation is not happening, our intimate lives get boring and burdensome. Having this fear is really just an outward expression of a fear of being hurt or a fear of not being loved. Most of us can deal with the loneliness for a while, but no one has unlimited patience, and eventually our marriage will end without doing our best to overcome this fear.
Sometimes we need a little extra help. One resource that you might find helpful is to check out Mort Fertel’s e-mail series. Sign up for his free e-mail series, and you can get a lot of great advice.
Just remember that this is going to be a long road because this is a problem that took years to develop and it will take time to resolve. I know that you can do it though. Just don’t give up!
Again, check out Fitness for Marriage with Mort Fertel by clicking this text. The e-mail course is free.
