Having a good marriage is one of the best things in life, but setting out to fix your marriage is about the hardest thing a couple can do. We have this tendancy to blame the other person and want them to change. Having said that, fixing a marriage is worth all the effort and pain.
I’m sure that you have heared it before, and indeed I have said the same thing elsewhere on this site, but communication in marriage is the critical first step. And when I say communication, I don’t mean just talking. Anyone can talk, but it takes a great deal of effort to communicate, exspecially when your emotions are high and your emotionally exhausted. Set an appointment to get away from your normal surroundings and spend some quality time with your spouse. I’m sure that your life is busy like everyone else, and if you don’t set an appointment, then it will never happen. The time to try to communicate is not when you are angry or hurt or frustrated, rather, when you aren’t emotionally charged.
I’ve found that not many people today think that fixing a marriage is worth it. It seems we have evolved into a society that is self absorbed and unwilling to accept that we might have to give a little. I promise that people who never give and never happy. So if you are looking for a happy marriage, then it will be a marriage in which you are giving, probably a lot more than you think you want. But it is critical that you understand this principle.
Another important step to fix your marriage is learning to let go, leave the past in the past. We all make mistakes and dredging up all the issue of the past will never get you to the future you are looking for. A marriage that needs to be fixed does not have to end in divorce because there are usually ways to fix marital problems. But I should warn you, that you absolutely cannot fix your marriage by going outside the marriage.
I also have another warning. It seems that there is a trend of thinking that the way to fix marital problems is to have children. Unless your primary marital problem is infertility, this will only make things worse, because the problems you have now will not magically go away when you have children. And you will have a bunch of new problems on top. Don’t get me wrong, having children is a natural extension of marriage and they will bring a log of joy to your life. But if you don’t have your house in order, none of that will matter, because you will be divorced by then.
Most marital problems are typical, and frankly they are usually also solvable. However, marital problems are too dangerous to ignore, and just waiting for a resolution without actively seeking one is going make it worse. It’s a little like cancer; if you catch it early, you have a higher likelihood of fixing your marriage. The longer you let things fester, the harder it becomes to fix your marriage.
Like I said earlier, if you are ready to get the help you deserve, check out my friend Mort Fertel.
